Stories from Chrissey

I was recently reflecting on one of the relationships in my life- a source of stress, anger, frustration, anxiety, and a whole lot of mental and emotional drama. I looked to one of my most accessible forms of validation, my husband, who echoed the sentiment I do- this is one of the most toxic entanglements of my life and not healthy for me.

It’s weird, because I feel like I’ve resisted growing closer to this person, spending time with them, or giving them any headspace. I’ve intentionally leaned on my extroverted private person tendencies, despite their attempts to siphon personal details and to steal my happiness, youth, and energy like Ursula the Sea Witch. But still, they’ve crawled into my head and nested, living there rent-free.

In all of the vent sessions with Jonathan, the self-introspection, chats with my loved ones, and formal processing in safe spaces, it’s all led to the same conclusion- it’s not me, it’s them! Despite the attempts at setting boundaries, protecting my peace, and avoiding this person at all costs, they’ve grossly invaded my life, my space, and seem to think that their opinions, feelings, and other messy bullshit are relevant. It’s egregious, and grossly not the case. But no matter how much I resist and resent, they just won’t leave me alone.

Maybe it’s jealously, perhaps it’s obsession. I’m terrified to think about what delusional narrative they probably tell themselves. But I can’t keep holding things in, faking smiles, and pretending like everything is okay. I want to scream, “Go to fucking therapy!” every time I see them, and I desperately want them to lose my number and to leave me alone.

At first I felt so guilty, because I’ve been conditioned to be this sweet, nice, energetic, and friendly person. Aren’t I supposed to be the personification of warm cookies and a glass of milk? Don’t I want everyone to think that I’m perfectly delightful and so sweet and thoughtful and amazing? Despite the people pleasing tendencies and the “nice girl” stigma, and taking a deep breath as I write this… I actually wouldn’t mind this person thinking that I’m a villain.

That I am a loud, assertive, brash, and flippant woman. I especially don’t mind if this means that they’ll disappear and never bother me again. Is it bad to wish that awful people disappear and leave you alone? Or is it the cultural pressure to be a perfectly nice girl that is as sweet as a chocolate chip cookie?

Well, as I wrestle with that, I know one thing. Situations aren’t permanent and neither are people. And one day, this liberation, and the release of years of pent-up frustration will be let free. And I’ll feel more lighter, happier, and dance in the sun.

Chrissey